


A Mess of Stardust and Holy Fire

by BigG1999



Series: It's that heart of gold and stardust soul that make you beautiful ~ R. M. Broderick [7]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Tragedy, Birthday, Blood, Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Body Dysphoria, Car Accidents, Child Death, Dilation, Dysphoria, Established Clarke Griffin/Lexa, F/F, Fade Sex, Fade to Black, Family Feels, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Foster Care, Funeral, Gender Dysphoria, Gore, Hallucinations, Heaven, Heavy Angst, Hospital, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Major Character Injury, Married Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Married Couple, Mild Smut, Minor Character Death, Near Death Experiences, Panic Attacks, Parents Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Rage, Small fight, Smut, Trans Lexa (The 100), birthday angst, kinda smut, not really smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:54:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23870098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BigG1999/pseuds/BigG1999
Summary: Part 8 of series."A mess of stardust and holy fire. Who was she? Beauty Or Chaos?" - TasavvurLexa can finally see herself in the mirror. Clarke's art career is doing amazing. They get to stay home most days and spend time with their two wonderful children.Or, they used to.(ANGST)
Relationships: Anya/Raven Reyes, Clarke Griffin & Lexa, Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Octavia Blake/Lincoln
Series: It's that heart of gold and stardust soul that make you beautiful ~ R. M. Broderick [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1561378
Comments: 51
Kudos: 111





	1. Crash

**Author's Note:**

> I mean, this is major spoilers for this 'verse if you're trying to read it in order. Also, get your tissues ready. This is a rough one. Check the tags if you need to.  
> ALSO, spoiler, they have twins, boy and girl. The boy is Daniel Jacob Griffin, named after Dana (Lexa's mom) and Jake, and their little girl is Sora Elm Griffin, after Raven/Anya (Sora is a type of bird, and the name is Asian inspired) and Lincoln (Last name is Elmwood). They're like, just over a year old.

“We’re going to be late,” Lexa comments as she puts a shoe on Sora’s small foot, Sora sitting contently on the couch. 

“I don’t think Danny cares,” Clarke yells from the bedroom where she’s fighting with Danny to put his shirt on, his face red as he wiggles away from her.

“Your brother is going to get us all in trouble,” Lexa grins at her daughter, pulling the strap on her tiny flats before helping her down, “Let’s go help Mommy,” she suggests.

Lexa bends slightly, taking Sora’s hands and wrapping each one around one of her fingers. Sora grins, letting out a high pitched squeal as she starts walking, holding tightly to her Mama’s fingers. 

“You’re doing so good baby,” Lexa grins, steering her daughter towards her room. 

“Mommy!” Sora shrieks as they enter the room, Clarke attempting to pull pants on Danny. 

“Hi, baby,” Clarke greets, sighing when Danny shrieks in anger, his hands pushing at Clarke’s. 

“Want me to take over baby?” Lexa questions as Sora leads them closer to Clarke.

“He just doesn’t want to get dressed,” Clarke sighs, throwing up her hands and letting Danny free. 

He easily kicks off his pants, “No!” he yells.

“Here, switch me, love,” Lexa suggests as Sora bumps into Clarke’s leg, letting go of her fingers in favor of grabbing onto the flowing fabric of Clarke’s dress. 

“Hi, pretty girl,” Clarke coos, bending over and picking up their daughter, who lets out a yell of excitement. 

“We’ll be done in no time, right mister man?” Lexa comments to her son. 

“No,” he states, rolling onto his stomach and starting to crawl away. 

“Oh no you don’t, little man,” Lexa says, easily picking him up. 

“Come on, pretty girl, let’s give Mama some space,” Clarke says, playfully bumping her hip into Lexa’s as they turn, Sora leading the way. 

“Oh, I know. Pants are terrible,” Lexa soothes as she puts him back on his back, reaching above him and pulling down a stuffed bear, “I didn’t like them much either when I was younger, but Mommy wants you to look super nice for today,” she explains, handing him the bear. 

He takes it quickly, his tiny fists gripping the soft fur as his bright green eyes examine it. 

“It’s a bear, bub. Say bear. Bear,” Lexa explains, saying the word softly as she pulls his pants back up. 

“Beer,” he states with a grin, pulling it close and sticking its face into his mouth. 

“Well, let’s hope you don’t do that with beer,” Lexa comments, buttoning his pants. 

“We need to leave five minutes ago!” Clarke yells from the living room. 

“Come on bub, let’s go show Mommy how handsome you are,” Lexa picks him up, pressing a kiss to his chubby cheek as she settles him on her hip. 

“Did you really get him dressed that quickly?” Clarke questions, walking around in circles with Sora.

“Beer Mommy!” Danny exclaims, showing off the bear. 

“Oh, a bear,” Clarke responds, “Wowza!” she grins, kissing his cheek before turning to Lexa, “I swear you’re his favorite.”

“He doesn’t have a favorite,” Lexa shakes her head with a laugh, heading toward the door and grabbing his shoes.

“He adores you, Lex.”

“Well he is a mini-you, so I guess it works, huh?” Lexa jokes. 

“His hair could still turn. His eyes did,” Clarke says, picking Sora up and heading towards their car seats.

“Nah, Sora got my hair and your eyes, he got your hair and my eyes. They’re both perfect little mixes of us. Aren’t you?” 

Danny grins in response, flinging his fists around in excitement. 

“Let’s hope he’s not as much trouble as I was,” Clarke laughs, putting Sora into her car seat. 

“He already has your patience love,” Lexa comments as Danny grunts, kicking his feet as Lexa tries to put shoes on. 

“He’s going to be our little handful. You’re going to have to watch out for your brother, okay? Tell him to cool it,” Clarke coos at Sora, earning happy noises. 

“I’m going to put her in the car. You sitting in the back or-”

“Yeah. Unless you want me to drive,” Lexa offers, finally getting his shoes on.

“You can drive on the way home. You’re better at spotting the deer than I am,” Clarke says, heading out the door.

“She’s using me bub,” Lexa jokes, easily sitting him in the car seat, “Oh, this is your sisters,” she realizes as she straps him in. 

She quickly finishes getting him ready and heads out the door, finding Clarke bent into the car, grumbling. 

“We switched the seats up, love,” Lexa says as she comes towards the driver’s side.

“Oh,” Clarke sighs, standing up and turning towards her wife, “That makes sense. Should we swap them?”

“I don’t think Danny would allow that. They’re the same anyway, they’ll be fine,” Lexa shrugs, setting Danny down as Clarke takes Sora out of the car. 

“Get in baby, I’ll get him in a second,” Clarke says, heading around the car. 

“Are we crazy for still riding in the back with them?” Lexa questions, climbing over the car seat base to sit in the middle of the back seat. 

“No. It makes it easier on who’s driving,” Clarke states, putting Sora’s car seat onto the base and pulling the seatbelt across her.

“I’ve got it, baby,” Lexa states, easily grabbing the belt and clicking it. 

“One down, one to go,” Clarke mumbles, shutting the door and heading to the other side of the car, easily putting Danny into place, with Lexa’s help.

“Good?” Clarke questions, looking at her wife. 

“Great,” Lexa grins, “just need a kiss.”

Clarke chuckles, leaning over the car seat and connecting their lips softly. 

“I love you,” Lexa whispers, pulling back slightly to look at blue eyes. 

“I love you.”

* * *

“So… I’ve been thinking,” Clarke comments, turning down the radio, glancing in the mirror at her wife.

“Have you now?” Lexa hums, looking up at her wife.

Clarke rolls her eyes, “Okay, butthole. Do you want to hear about it or not?”

Lexa chuckles, “Baby, I think I already know. And I’m on board.”

Blue eyes flick to the mirror again in surprise, “You know?”

“Anya sent me some numbers. Raven must’ve asked her for them,” Lexa explains. 

“I knew I should’ve just gone to Anya myself. Rae can’t keep anything from her,” Clarke grumbles, eyes back on the road. 

“In her defense, Anya is hard to keep things from,” Lexa comments.

“So… You want to start the process?” Clarke questions, biting her bottom lip.

“Baby, there’s nothing that could make me not want to have a million more babies with you,” Lexa states honestly, looking down at Sora as she starts fussing.

“I don’t know about a-Shit!” 

Lexa looks up to see a deer rushing across the road as Clarke slams on the breaks. 

“Shit, shit, shit,” Clarke mumbles to herself as the car rapidly decelerates, the deer rushing, but not fast enough. 

The car hits the deer’s hips, causing it to fall and roll away, tumbling twice. Clarke watches with wide blue eyes as it gets back up and runs off, another deer waiting for it on the other side of the road. 

“Is it okay?” Lexa questions from the back, having lost sight of the deer.

“Yeah,” Clarke says, panting as she watches the deer rush off. 

“Shh, it’s okay baby,” Lexa coos, one hand coming to touch Sora, who is full crying now. 

“Are they okay?” Clarke questions, turning to look at them. 

“Just a bit shaken,” Lexa soothes, looking up and meeting blue eyes as Sora quiets down, content with playing with Lexa’s fingers. 

“Danny?” 

“Out like a rock,” Lexa responds, glancing at their sleeping son, who hasn’t woken from his nap. 

“Okay. We’re good,” Clarke mumbles to herself, turning back around and looking at the road. 

Lexa takes a deep breath, looking down at Sora. 

“Such a pretty girl,” Lexa coos softly, gently running her fingers through her dark wisps of hair before removing her hand. 

She hears the impact before she feels it. The terrible sound of metal on metal, then she’s weightless as the car flips. Then everything goes black. 

Lexa groans. Crying. Someone’s crying. No. Not someone, it’s Danny! She blinks, looking around. Danny is in his car seat, crying. 

“Shh,” she soothes, reaching for him. 

She stops short, looking at her hands. They’re covered in blood. Her sharp intake of air causes a sharp pain to shoot through her, coming from her stomach, causing her to look down. Sticking out of her stomach is the metal rod, blood oozing out of it. But that’s not enough blood to explain the blood covering her hands. She looks to her right, looking for Sora. 

The sound of someone puking is what brings Clarke to consciousness. Puking and crying she thinks as she blinks, reaching up to touch her throbbing head. She can feel the scraps littering her face, as she opens her eyes she finds the windshield gone. Glass is everywhere, falling off her arms as she touches her forehead, sucking in a sharp breath as she touches a deep gash. 

The sound of retching brings her back to the moment. She attempts to turn around, only to find that she can’t move her lower half. Looking down, she finds the car is twisted around her, preventing her from moving. She takes a deep breath, attempting to calm herself before looking over her shoulder. 

Blue eyes scan quickly, taking in the fully intact car seat where Danny’s cries as coming from, and Lexa bent towards the floorboard puking. She can see blood, a lot of blood, but she can’t see behind her seat, can’t turn to look. 

“Lexa?” She calls, breathing picking up as she notes a metal rod sticking out of her stomach. 

Lexa doesn’t respond verbally, only letting out a broken sob. Clarke’s mind races, Danny’s cries becoming background noise as her mind races. Lexa has tears running down the sides of her cheeks. 

“Lexa,” Clarke pleads for an answer, eyes filling with tears. 

**“Don’t.** Don’t look back here,” Lexa orders, retching again, one of her hands covering the rod in her stomach. 

“I can’t move. My legs are pinned,” Clarke says, biting her lip.

“Fuck!” A deep voice calls out from outside the car, “There’s a kid.”

Danny’s cries turn into him gasping, his tiny lungs worn out. 

“Lexa, Danny-”

“I know,” Lexa cuts her off, forgetting about the blood coating her hands as she reaches towards her son, her touch calming him as she coos “Shh buddy, you’re okay.”

“Is he? Is he okay?” Clarke questions, ignoring the sounds of sirens wailing in the distance. 

“I think so,” Lexa says, not seeing any injuries on him as she touches him, ignoring the fact she’s leaving blood all over him. 

“Ma’am?” A voice questions, drawing Clarke’s attention towards the front of the car, where an officer is standing. 

“Are you injured?” he questions, looking at Clarke.

“I’m trapped, but okay. My babies are in the back,” Clarke explains.

Lexa sighs in relief as the door opens to her right. Her eyes slam shut at the look that crosses the face of her rescuer before they turn away, gagging. 

“Just take him, make sure he’s okay,” Lexa pleads, unbuckling the seatbelt holding his car seat tight. 

The person nods, taking the car seat and her son out of the car. 

_“Clarke,”_ Lexa reaches out towards her wife. 

“Lexa?” Clarke questions, taking the offered hand and holding it tight, ignoring the blood.

“I love you,” Lexa states, “I’ll love you forever, my-”

**“No!”** Clarke cuts her off, trying to turn but failing, “You **cannot** die on me! You’re **not** allowed to leave me!”

The hand in Clarke’s goes limp. 


	2. Not yet

Lexa takes a deep breath, surprised to find no pain at all as she looks around. 

“Lexa,” A voice from her past calls, causing her to turn around, gasping in surprise. 

“She’s perfect, love,” Dana coos, looking down at the bundle in her arms. 

“I… Mom?” Lexa questions, confused. 

“You’re perfect too. I didn’t tell you while I was alive, but I’m proud of you,” Dana confesses. 

“Alive? Do you mean I’m…?” she questions, looking down at herself. 

“It’s not your time yet kiddo,” A deeper voice says as a warm hand settles on her shoulder. 

Lexa glances behind her to meet warm blue eyes, letting out another gasp as she recognizes him from photos of a younger Clarke. 

“Jake?”

“Let me see that little angel,” Jake coos, ignoring Lexa’s question as he scoops the small bundle from Dana’s arms. 

Lexa’s eyes fill as she realizes the bundle is her daughter. Her blue eyes are bright as she laughs at her grandpa. 

“We’ll take care of her now,” Jake states, looking back to Lexa.

“I’ll do better this time. How I should’ve been for you,” Dana states, grinning at Sora and earning a happy coo from the child.

“I-” Lexa chokes out a sob, tears rolling down her face.

“But you have to go soon. Clarke needs you, as does that little boy,” Jake states, his eyes shining.

“But-”

“I’ll take care of your little girl, you take care of mine, okay?” 

Lexa nods through her tears, thinking of Clarke.

“We’re looking out for him too Lexa. He’s-”

“A little rascal, just like Clarke,” Jake grins. 

Lexa gasps, falling in her knees as pain shocks her system, radiating from her chest. 

“It’s okay kiddo. You’re a warrior,” Jake states as Lexa’s eyes close.

* * *

Clarke sniffles, wiping her face with the back of her hand, looking down at the sleeping face of her son, then to the sleeping face of her wife. 

“Clarke,” Abby whispers as she enters the room, her hair pulled back, eyes rimmed a bright red. 

“She’s going to wake up, right?” Clarke questions, turning her attention back to Lexa, “I don’t know if I can do this without her.”

“Honey-”

“I’m not suicidal,” Clarke is quick to clarify, looking down at her son again, “I just…” she trails off.

“How about you get some rest, baby?” Abby suggests softly. 

Clarke scoffs lightly, “You haven’t called me that in years,” she whispers, tears filling her eyes. 

“Clarke, I-”

“I’m not letting either one of them out of my sight,” Clarke states, shaking her head. 

“Clarke, he needs to get more rest. He could have-”

“I _know,”_ Clarke spits, venom dripping from her voice as she turns towards her mother, “I spent _years_ learning about this **shit.** I know _**exactly** _what he could have.”

Abby sighs, biting her bottom lip as she reaches out, gently cupping Clarke’s face in her hands. She tucks a strand of blonde hair behind her ear before brown eyes meet blue. 

“Let me help,” she whispers, watching as the fight leaves Clarke. 

She nods, allowing Abby to take Danny, who is still sleeping peacefully.

“I’ll be right down the hall. Rest,” Abby orders, holding her only grandchild close. 

Clarke squeezes her eyes shut, attempting to stop herself from crying again. A low groan causes her to look back up. 

“Lex?” she questions softly, watching as Lexa’s eyelashes flutter. 

Green eyes finally open, settling on watery blue. Lexa opens her mouth, ready to tell Clarke about what just happened, but instead, Clarke’s lips slam into hers. 

Lexa grunts in surprise, the kiss rough, teeth clashing as Clarke grabs the back of her neck, holding on. Lexa reaches out, placing a hand on Clarke’s chest to stop her from getting any rougher. Clarke pulls away slightly, a sob falling out as tears run down her face, her burying it in Lexa’s neck imminently.

“I was so afraid you left me too,” she confesses into the side of her neck. 

“I’m never leaving you again,”  _ I promised your father, _ Lexa promises, wrapping her arms around Clarke, ignoring the pain in her stomach. 

“Be careful, you’re hurt,” Clarke orders, pulling away from Lexa, “That stupid tent we kept in the back almost killed you.”

Lexa’s brows raise as she realizes that metal that impaled her must’ve been a part of the tent Clarke’s referring to. 

“Where’s Danny?” Lexa questions, looking around the room. 

“Mom just came and got him, do you want to see him?” Clarke questions, taking out her phone to text her mom. 

“I trust your mom. Come here, I want to hold you,” Lexa says, scooting to the side of the small hospital bed. 

“Lex, we-”

“Come here,” Lexa begs, green eyes meeting blue. 

Clarke sighs, but does as asked, crawling into the bed, mindful of Lexa’s injury as she snuggles into her side, Lexa’s hand rubbing her back, her other finding Clarke’s.

“I died, didn’t I?” Lexa questions softly, looking at the scars on Clarke’s arm.

“You coded, yes,” Clarke answers, clenching her jaw. 

“I met your dad.”

“You-”

“I know. The mind comes up with crazy things and whatever, but I met him Klark. He…” Lexa bites her bottom lip, blinking back tears, “He’s going to take care of Sora now.”

Clarke bites her lip too, tears falling freely at the thought. 

“My mom too. She promised to do better, and I believe her. I…” Lexa trails off, moving to be closer to Clarke.

“It’s not fair,” Clarke sobs into her shoulder. 

“It’s not,” Lexa agrees, her own tears falling. 

“We were supposed to be done with heartache. This was supposed to be our happy ending.”

* * *

Lexa takes a deep breath, ignoring the way it causes her whole body to shake as she takes in the white casket. It’s too small and the white is blinding. 

She blinks rapidly as Clarke turns, burying herself into Lexa’s chest, arms wrapping around each other with ease. Lexa looks around, glancing at their family of friends gathering around, tears flowing from everybody, even Anya is sniffling. 

She looks again at the white, small, tiny, casket, and her knees buckle as she sobs, hanging onto Clarke for dear life, uncaring what anybody thinks as they mourn their loss.


	3. Okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Panic attack, talk of dysphoria, and potential dysphoria inducing situation for any trans-women reading (Nonsexual dilation)

“Baby?” Clarke questions softly into Lexa’s ear, curling behind her as she becomes the big spoon. 

“Hmm?” Lexa hums in question, eyes locked on the video of the baby monitor set up on her nightstand. 

“When was the last time you dilated?” she questions gently, biting her lip as Lexa’s body tenses. 

“Clarke, I…” Lexa trails off, turning in Clarke’s arms to face her.

“I’m just worried,” Clarke confesses, pushing a strand of brunette hair behind her ear, “It’s been weeks.”

“I’m not ready,” Lexa admits, looking down at herself, hand covering the new scar on her stomach. 

“I know baby,” Clarke soothes, “I just want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself.”

Lexa sighs, closing her eyes as tears fill her eyes. 

“It’s something that needs to be done, love,” Clarke whispers, “I don’t have to be here or anything, I just-”

“I haven’t,” Lexa confesses, “It feels wrong to… To do something like that.”

“Oh baby,” Clarke sighs, pulling Lexa into a tight hug.

Lexa lets out a shuddering breath, tears leaking from her eyes as she clings to Clarke, burrowing into her neck. 

“We have to dilate it, baby. We can’t just ignore it, my love.”

“I know,” Lexa nods, pulling back and wiping her tears away. 

“Do you want to do it alone? I don’t want to-”

“No. I… Can you?” Lexa questions softly, looking at anything but Clarke.

“Of course,” Clarke nods, pressing a kiss to Lexa’s forehead, “Where are they?” 

“Dresser,” Lexa points, glancing behind her towards the baby monitor, finding Danny still sleeping like a rock. 

Clarke rolls out of the bed, easily finding the dilator set. She grabs the smallest two before heading to the bathroom to clean them, knowing Lexa’s eyes are on her. 

Lexa’s jaw twitches as Clarke comes back from the bathroom, opening her nightstand and pulling out a few condoms. 

“I’ll need lube too,” Lexa states, watching as Clarke pulls out the half-empty bottle. 

“Take off your pants baby,” Clarke orders softly, heart clinching at the lack of heat in green eyes. 

Lexa does as asked, biting her bottom lip as Clarke sets out the dilators next to her. 

“You ready baby?” Clarke questions, settling next to Lexa, one hand touching her hip.

“I hate this,” Lexa admits, meeting blue eyes.

“I know baby. I’m sorry,” Clarke presses a kiss to the inside of her knee as she squirts lube on her hand.

“I wish I was cis,” Lexa widens her legs, nodding at Clarke’s questioning look. 

“I love you,” Clarke reassures as she touches Lexa’s center, spreading the lube around.

“Don’t touch my clit baby,” Lexa sighs, looking away from Clarke.

“I want it to feel good for you baby,” Clarke explains as she does what’s asked nonetheless, focusing on Lexa’s entrance, gently pushing inside.

“I don’t want it to,” Lexa states, voice cold as stone as Clarke gently finger fucks her. 

Clarke blinks back her tears, pressing her lips against Lexa’s knee as she picks up the smallest dilator, rolling the condom on.

“Ready baby?” 

“Just get it over with,” Lexa mumbles, looking at the baby monitor once again. 

Clarke bites her bottom lip as she pushes into Lexa, wincing at how tight it is. Slowly she pushes deeper, stopping the moment Lexa’s body tenses.

“Stop, fuck,” Lexa cries out, her hand coming down to stop Clarke’s already stilled hand. 

“Fuck baby,” Clarke sighs, looking up to green eyes. 

Lexa throws her head back in defeat, “Please tell me that isn’t the smallest.”

Clarke sighs, her hand gently rubbing Lexa’s hip, “I think we should call and ask what the next steps should be.”

“It’s to keep fucking until it goes back,” Lexa grumbles. 

“Lex, you haven’t done that in years,” Clarke states softly, another kiss to the inside of Lexa’s knee as she gently moves the dilator, slower now than before. 

“I know. It’s been weeks,” Lexa mumbles, taking another glance at the baby monitor. 

Clarke sighs, “I should’ve asked-”

“It’s not on you to check on this,” Lexa cuts her off.

“I’ve been taking care of you for weeks baby. I should’ve been taking care of all of you,” Clarke argues, wincing as Lexa tenses again.

“Stop moving it, just let it sit,” Lexa orders, grabbing the dilator from Clarke.

“Lexa,” Clarke sighs, wincing as Lexa pushes it deeper inside her, ignoring her own pain.

“Stop, you’re just going to hurt yourself more,” Clarke orders, grabbing Lexa’s hand and forcing her to stop. 

“I don’t care,” Lexa argues, shaking Clarke’s hand off.

“Lexa,” Clarke growls, ripping Lexa’s hand away, “Stop it!” 

Lexa sighs, glaring at her wife as she stops fighting, jaw clenching. 

“You’re acting reckless.”

“So?” Lexa challenges face set in stone. 

Clarke growls, clenching her jaw as she moves, surprising Lexa by straddling her. Green eyes glare into blue as Clarke leans forward, hovering over Lexa. 

Lexa gasps in surprise as Clarke’s hand gently touches the side of her face, startled by the gentle caress. Clarke leans down, pressing the softest kiss to pillowy lips, sighing as Lexa kisses back, her hands coming to Clarke’s hips. Clarke pulls away, looking down into green eyes, the fire now gone. 

“I love you,” Clarke whispers, pressing their foreheads together. 

“I’m sorry,” Lexa sighs, looking away from Clarke, glancing at their son. 

“We’ve gotta take care of ourselves for him.”

“I don’t think he’ll really mind if my vagina isn’t like it used to be.”

“He’ll mind when his mom gets dysphoric about it,” Clarke states softly, a hand caressing Lexa’s cheek to take away the sting in her words, “We don’t have to enjoy it, but we need to do it, okay? And do it safely, without hurting you. Okay?”

Lexa sighs, looking up into blue eyes. 

“I love you,” Lexa whispers, leaning up for a soft kiss. 

“I love you. Let’s keep going,” Clarke states, shifting back down the bed.

* * *

“Hello. I’m calling for a Clarke Griffin?” A female voice questions from the other side of the phone. 

“This is her, who is this?” Clarke questions as she motions at Octavia and Lexa to watch the kids as she heads to the office.

“My name is Aileen Rockford with Family Adoption Services. I had been given your number by one of my foster families and wanted to reach out.”

Clarke blinks. 

“Are you still there, Mrs Griffin?”

“I, yeah. I’m sorry, we’re not… We’re not interested anymore,” Clarke chokes out, leaning against the wall. 

“I’m sorry to hear that. Maybe we could talk some more and change your-”

The voice ends as Clarke hangs up the phone, her heart is racing. She presses a number on her phone as her vision blurs, tears filling her eyes. 

Lexa rushes to her office, her phone having gone off with Clarke’s number. Coming closer she can hear the rushed breathing and sobs coming from inside. She runs, uncaring of how crazy it looks as she comes into the office, finding Clarke on the floor. 

“Look at me, baby,” Lexa coos, dropping to her knees and taking Clarke’s face in her hands. 

“You’re safe baby. We’re safe, okay? In and out, okay? In… and out… In.. and out. Focus baby, in… And out,” Lexa coaches gently, bringing Clarke’s breathing under control. 

Blue eyes come into focus, meeting green for a second before Clarke falls forward, burying her face into Lexa’s neck, tears still rolling. 

“There we go baby,” Lexa whispers, a hand running through blonde hair softly, her other rubbing her back, “Let it out, it’s okay.”

“They-” Clarke sobs. 

“Shh, talk later, it’s okay,” Lexa soothes, holding her wife close. 

Clarke cries until she’s tired, her body aching with exhaustion before she pulls away to look up at green eyes. 

“You okay baby?” Lexa questions softly, hand cupping her cheek. 

Clarke licks her lips before biting her bottom one, letting out a sigh. 

“That was the adoption agency,” she states. 

Lexa’s brows raise in surprise, then her jaw clinches, “Why?”

“They must’ve gotten our number from… before.”

“Is… is that something you’d want?” Lexa questions softly, Clarke’s head shaking before she finishes her question.

“I can’t. We… I can’t.”

“Me neither,” Lexa admits softly. 

The door creaks open, causing them to both look. Before them stands a small boy, a little over two years old, his hair a dark brown mohawk like his father’s.

“Hi!” He grins, waddling towards them.

“Hello, Mateo,” Clarke laughs as he rushes into their personal space, wrapping his small arms around Clarke.

“He got away from me, little rascal,” Octavia apologizes from the doorway, hands on her pronounced stomach. 

“He’s defiantly your son,” Clarke jokes, tickling his stomach and grinning at his squeals. 

“Danny and Quinn passed out, I thought he was too,” Octavia confesses, leaning against the doorjamb. 

“It’s okay, we’re all okay now, aren’t we little man?” Lexa questions, joining in on the tickling. 

Octavia smiles sadly, watching her best friends grin at her son the way she used to at their daughter. 

“You okay there Mama?” Lexa questions, watching as Octavia wipes tears from her eyes.

“Hormones,” she laughs sadly. 

“Hormones,” Clarke whispers, blinking back her own tears, knowing Octavia enough to tell when she’s lying. 

“Mones!” Mateo grins, breaking the tension. 


	4. Cake

Clarke blinks back her tears as she looks down at the cake. It really shouldn’t make her cry, but the blue frosting and missing name just hits her. 

“Clarke, are you- oh,” Raven stops short, freezing at the sight of her friend. 

“I’m fine, sorry,” Clarke shakes her head, wiping her tears with the back of her hand before opening a drawer to find the candles she bought.

“Clarke,” Raven sighs, biting her bottom lip as she walks to her friend, taking the candles away from her. 

Clarke sighs, allowing Raven to take over as she rubs at her face. 

“It’s okay to not be okay,” Raven whispers, taking the cake out of the box. 

“It’s his second birthday party. He-”

“Isn’t even going to remember it,” a voice cuts in from the doorway.

Clarke looks up the find the newest member of the Rue-Reyes household, Riley Nelson. The seventeen-year-old girl heads to the fridge, grabbing a Coke before continuing. 

“What happened was hella sad. You’re allowed to be sad about it, cry even,” she says over her shoulder as she walks back out, opening the can.

Clarke bites her bottom lip, blinking back her tears as she asks “Are you sure she isn’t Anya’s kid?”

“If she wasn’t white as a ghost, I’d get it checked,” Raven admits with a small smile, “She’s right though,” she states, turning back to Clarke, “You can be sad. We are too.”

“You are?” Clarke questions softly, looking down.

“Clarke,” Raven sighs, gently grabbing her chin, forcing their eyes to meet. 

Raven’s eyes are full of tears as she whispers, “You named her after us. I… Of course, we’re sad too. She was…” Raven blinks, tears running down her cheeks, “She was loved.”

Clarke pulls her close, into a hug so tight and long, they don’t pull apart until someone clears their throat at the door.

“Sorry to break up the lovefest, but it’s time for the cake?” Anya states, looking at her wife, questioning silently.

“We’re okay,” Raven answers her silent questions, pulling away and wiping her tears, “Just a little sad.”

Anya nods her understanding, glancing at the blonde before heading towards the cake, “The kids are starting to fuss. Do you need a minute?” she questions.

“No, sorry. I’m good,” Clarke flashes a fake smile, scooping up the cake and heading out of the kitchen.

Raven sighs deeply, taking Anya’s offered hand before following the blonde.

* * *

Clarke takes a step back from her painting, looking at the start of the portrait of her daughter. Tears fill her eyes as she looks at it. Her face is the wrong shape, her eyes the wrong color. 

She takes a deep breath, reaching out to correct it, only to accidentally smear paint across it, effectively ruining it. 

“What the fuck?!” She questions in anger, growling as rage fills her chest. 

The brush flings back across the painting again, smearing the image even more as Clarke growls. She throws her remaining paints at the canvas, uncaring as she lets out a roar, throwing it to the ground.

Nothing is safe anymore as she goes on a rampage, throwing her brushes to the ground, the closed bottles of paint bounce on the wood. Her sketches litter the floor, some landing in a puddle of paint that wasn’t closed completely.

Clarke stands in the middle of the room, panting, as tears run down her face. 

“Did that make you feel better?” Lexa questions quietly from the doorway. 

Clarke turns, fire in her eyes as she yells, “I _fucking_ stopped! I saw the deer and I **stopped!”**

Lexa rushes forward as Clarke breaks, knees buckling as she curls into herself, sobs wreaking her body. 

“Shh,” Lexa whispers, slowly bringing them to the floor. 

Lexa presses her lips against Clarke’s forehead as she sobs into her chest. 

“I should’ve hit that fucking deer,” Clarke growls, “I should’ve pulled to the side of the road, I-”

“Hush,” Lexa shakes her head softly, “It wasn’t your fault.”

“I was driving.”

“We got T-boned. It wasn’t your fault, I promise,” Lexa states, forcing blue eyes to meet hers, “I promise.”

“Is it ever going to stop hurting?” Clarke questions softly, sniffling. 

Lexa sighs, licking her bottom lip, then biting it. 

“I don’t know,” her voice cracks, eyes filling with tears as she sighs, “I don’t know.”

* * *

Lexa’s eyes narrow as she watches Riley. They’re at Octavia and Lincoln’s new place for the baby shower, Octavia due any time now. It’s less of a baby shower and more of the last party before they stop for months. 

Riley doesn’t notice the green eyes on her as she crouches, talking to the seven-year-old Nari, Raven and Anya’s first child. 

“She’s good with her,” Anya states, leaning against the wall and taking a sip of her beer as she watches her children. 

“She is,” Lexa nods, watching as Nari lights up, talking a mile a minute. 

Anya sighs, “She’s going back to her mom next week.”

Lexa’s brows raise in surprise.

“She took the classes and we can’t really do anything,” Anya explains, downing the rest of her beer. 

“Muma?” Nari questions focused on Anya.

“What is it, baby?” Anya questions, looking down.

“Riley said she’s going back home, is that true?” 

Anya sighs, couching. 

“I’ll be back,” Lexa states, following Riley as she ducks into the bedroom.

Lexa enters silently, watching as the blonde heads to the jewelry box sitting on Octavia’s dresser. 

“How much do you need?” Lexa questions, causing the blonde to jump in surprise, turning around with wide blue eyes. 

“I-”

Lexa holds up her hand, cutting her off, “I’m the rich one in this friend group kid, if you’re going to steal, I’d rather it be from me.”

“I…” Riley sighs, looking down.

“Here,” Lexa states, taking off her ring, “This’ll be worth more than anything in there.”

“I don’t… I just need something to get by until CPS comes back,” Riley mumbles.

“I get it, kid. I used to be pretty good at stealing food back in the day. I had someone who helped me out here and there, so this is me paying it forward,” Lexa explains, placing the ring in Riley’s palm.

“I… I didn’t want to steal from a grieving family,” she explains.

Lexa sighs, clenching her jaw as she blinks back tears. 

“We’ll make it kiddo, just focus on you, okay?”

Riley nods, placing the ring in her pocket quickly as the door opens, revealing a very pregnant Octavia. 

“There you two are! Quinn and Mateo are ready to find out if they’re having a little sister or brother, let’s go.”

“It’s a girl, I feel it,” Riley states, easily following the brunette.

“Agreed,” Lexa hums, following the duo.

A pink cake later, they’re proved correct. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No hate on Riley, please. She's kinda based on a boy from my hometown who ended up missing, then found dead, after going back to him mom over and over and over again, bc CPS is a fucking joke.   
> Riley isn't going to end up like him tho, she will show up again, just prob not in this fic.


	5. You

“Mom,” Clarke sighs, rubbing her forehead, “I don’t-”

“It’s your anniversary. You two deserve a night without any stress,” Abby dismisses, watching as Danny plays with large brightly colored blocks.

“Mom, I don’t… We haven’t had a night without him,” Clarke admits softly, watching as Danny stacks the blocks. 

“I know. You and Lexa need some time to reconnect,” Abby states, causing Clarke to blush.

“Ma-”

“We’re both adults Clarke. I remember how hard it was to find time while caring for you,” Abby explains.

“Mom, that’s not even… That’s not even a problem, we just…” Clarke sighs, shaking her head, “Nevermind.”

“Sex is an important aspect of a relationship. I know from your teen years that you’ve got a very active sex drive, that’s from your father-”

“Okay, Ma,” Clarke cuts her off, “TMI, okay? I… We’re okay, alright? We don’t need a night or whatever,” she dismisses with a sigh.

“Nonsense. Lexa already agreed to it. She’s picking you up in an hour. There’s a dress in my room for you,” Abby explains.

“What?”

“Go get ready Clarke,” Abby orders with a wave of her hand, sitting down in front of Danny to play with him, earning a huge grin from the small blond.

* * *

“You okay baby?” Clarke questions softly with a smirk as she watches Lexa’s eyes trail up and down her body, her mouth slightly open. 

Lexa doesn’t answer, too focused on taking in the vision that is her wife. The red dress showing off her perfect curves, without going overboard. Her blonde hair is slightly curled, not completely, as Clarke ran out of time, but it fits perfectly with her soft makeup look. 

“You’re beautiful,” Lexa states, finally meeting blue eyes as she hands Clarke a single lilac flower.

“Lexa,” Clarke blushes, taking the flower.

“I googled eight-year anniversary gifts and didn’t find much I liked, so I didn’t get you anything, but then I saw this flower and I had to get it,” she explains.

“Come in, say goodnight to Danny,” Clarke says, stepping to the side to let Lexa pass.

Blue eyes take in the plump behind of her wife, enjoying the backless black dress, Lexa’s back tattoo of the tree obscured by her long hair, pulled back into an intricate set of braids. 

“You’re gorgeous baby,” Clarke whispers, stopping Lexa by wrapping her arms around her hips.

“You like it?” Lexa questions softly, leaning back into the embrace.

“I forget how lucky I am to have such a gorgeous wife,” Clarke admits, pressing a kiss to the side of her neck.

“I love you,” Lexa whispers, tilting her head back to look at Clarke.

“I love you,” Clarke connects their lips softly.

“Mama!” Danny exclaims, rushing towards his moms.

“Hi, baby,” Lexa grins, crouching down to meet his embrace, his small arms circling her neck as he presses kisses to the side of her face in greeting, causing her to laugh.

“You ready to stay with Grandma Abby for the night?” she questions, meeting his bright green eyes. 

“Gamma!” He grins, turning to rushing to Abby, still seated on the ground in front of the blocks, earning a laugh from her as he throws himself in her arms.

* * *

“That was nice,” Clarke comments, stumbling into their house. 

“It was,” Lexa agrees, chuckling as Clarke lets out a moan as she takes off her heels. 

Clarke lets out a deep sigh, looking at the picture on the table she leaned against to take off her heels. Lexa bites her bottom lip, wrapping her arms around Clarke, molding herself to the blonde’s back. 

“Do you feel guilty too?” Clarke questions softly, eyes on their daughter.

“When we have a good time?” Lexa questions with a sigh, “Yeah.”

Clarke sighs too, her hands rubbing the arms around her waist. Lexa presses a kiss to the side of her neck before resting her chin on her shoulder, looking at the picture too. 

It’s a candid that Raven snapped one movie night where their little family fell asleep together on the couch, Lexa on her back, Clarke curled on her side, Sora asleep on her chest, and Danny sprawled out across Lexa’s stomach and Clarke’s hip. 

“She looks like an angel,” Clarke whispers, fingers brushing the still face in the photograph. 

“She is,” Lexa whispers. 

Clarke takes in a deep breath, Lexa can feel the tremble in it as a tear slips out. 

“Lexa,” Clarke whispers, turning around in her arms and connecting their lips. 

The kiss is soft, softer than Lexa was expecting. She was expecting sobs and roughness from attempting to hold on, but this isn’t that. It’s a question, one she feels she can say no to, but she doesn’t want to. 

She kisses back, keeping it soft. Her chest warms with feeling as Clarke’s hands wrap around the back of her neck, playing with the small curls that have escaped her braids. Lexa hums as Clarke sucks on her bottom lip, her hands traveling lower, grabbing her behind.

“Lexa,” Clarke pants, pulling back slightly, blue eyes meeting darker green before Clarke continues, “Make love to me.”

Lexa groans before connecting their lips again. Slowly they make their way down the hallway towards their room. Clarke lets out a moan of surprise as Lexa pins her to the wall, disconnecting their lips to kiss her neck. 

“Fuck, Lexa,” Clarke moans, tilting her head to the side. 

Lexa grunts, picking Clarke up, earning a squeal of surprise as she wraps her legs around Lexa’s waist. Lexa connects their lips as she walks, gently setting Clarke on the bed. Clarke looks up as Lexa pulls away, Lexa slipping off her dress and leaving herself in just a pair of white lace panties. 

“Fuck,” Clarke groans, eyes on Lexa’s dark nipples. 

Lexa smirks, leaning down and pushing Clarke’s dress up, not bothering to remove it completely as she pulls her underwear to the side and takes a single lick up Clarke’s center.

“Lexa,” Clarke moans, bunching her dress up more as Lexa settles on her knees, grabbing Clarke’s hips and pulling her closer to the edge of the bed as she continues what she started.

* * *

“Should we call?” Lexa questions softly against the naked skin of Clarke’s chest.

“He’s probably asleep. It’s midnight,” Clarke reasons, her fingers trailing the tree branches on Lexa’s shoulder. 

“We should’ve called before,” Lexa sighs.

Clarke chuckles at Lexa’s pouting lip, kissing it softly. 

“You know what?” Clarke questions softly, earning a hum of question before continuing, “I think we’re going to make it.”

Green eyes snap to blue. 

“Of course we’ll make it baby.”

Clarke smiles softly, caressing the side of Lexa’s face.

“As long as I have you.”

“And I have you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this angst! Let me know what you thought below!


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